Friday, February 7, 2014

Ruffled

Just over a week ago I was calm, steady and highly functioning. I had the house clean, calendar in order, a fully stocked kitchen and a meal plan (even baked a cake from scratch for no particular reason), a nightly yoga routine, and both jobs were running smoothly. It was freaking fantastic! I couldn't believe how well everything was going and how great I felt as I prepared myself to begin IVF. And then I slowly started to crumble and become increasingly fragile, moody and anxious. My birth control pill pack tells me that I'm on day 20, which means hello raging PMS.  Tonight I'm writing from not such a great place. My nerves are shot and I want to hide under the covers. After a few crappy things happened at work today I found myself on the phone in tears asking J for a pep talk to help me make it to the end of the day. He promised me a hot bath, glass of wine and candles would be waiting for me when I got home. LOVE him so much. I'm going to toss in some pictures of Chile looking extra cute on a trip to the park a couple weeks ago, to help lighten the mood a bit.


Here's the replay on what went down this week. On Monday I met a friend for lunch that had dropped in on my blog after not reading for many months and reached out to me to share that she had been struggling on how to support me and that she had no idea how hard and intense everything had been for me. She had a ton of questions about all of it and especially the medical side and IVF process. It was emotionally exhausting to talk about and made me feel vulnerable, but I'm glad that we were able to talk and address several things that needed to be discussed to relieve some tension between us on things that we had both made assumptions on. Then in the afternoon, J and I went in for our injection training and a short meeting with Dr. Jam, so she could meet J and do a quick recap for him. I was overly confident and surprised by two things during our appointment. Dr. Jam went over the path on how we ended up at IVF and explained some of the major points, IUI vs IVF, genetic testing, the ICSI procedure and then she dropped the bomb. She said that the success rate for transferring one embryo is 40% with a 1% chance of twins, transferring two embryos it goes up to 60% with a 20-30% chance of twins and that one embryo transferred after PGS/CCS test results showing no chromosomal abnormalities goes up to 75%. Hearing those stats seriously hurt my brain and rocked my world. I'm still not sure what to think. My response at the time was that I'll be happy if we even get to that point and have more than one embryo. I thought we'd already decided we weren't doing PGS/CCS, but now I don't know. Too much to think about. This is exactly the type of thing that makes me wish I was an average fertile that never had to think about such an insane scenario. In my head I had simplified it to we had about a 50% chance, but with these stats I don't know what to think. I guess I still have some time to process it, which is exactly why Dr. Jam said she wanted us to talk about it now. J said he is still processing too. Ok, so that was surprise number one.

Surprise number two happened during the injection training with the RN. She started with the Follistim pen, which to me seemed so easy. Then the mini-hcg, which was also a piece of cake, just like the small insulin syringe I had to give myself saline injections during my internship. Hello overly confident! The Ganirelix comes prepackaged in a glass syringe with a tiny needle and the only part that worries me about that is that I'll drop it and it will shatter. The hcg trigger shot we skipped, because she said that it involves mixing and we'd wait until it was closer to go over the details. If you saw my last post about my list of drugs and you are in the know about fertility drugs you might have wondered why progesterone was missing. I wondered too, but didn't ask. The RN pulled a large syringe out of the tool box with a huge needle and that was how I found out that my clinic prefers PIO injections (progesterone in oil). J will have to inject PIO in my ass for 10 weeks until the placenta takes over. SO NOT A FAN of this surprise. Whatever, I'll do it. The way I found out was rather unpleasant. Oh and then to make things worse, the little fleshy colored rubber dome that we were using to practice doing the injections on was not deep enough to accommodate the extra long needle, so the RN demonstrated by stabbing a kleenex box. Super fun times. We finished up and then signed and initialed about 8 pages of paperwork, that I was not able to read, because J was getting antsy to leave and the RN didn't seem to want me to read it either. She said that it's not a binding contract, we can back out and that we can read it over later. I have the copies and still haven't read them. Chile doesn't want to read them either.


The next day I wanted to get my order finalized for my meds, pay and set the delivery date for next Tuesday. The only problem is that I can't do anything until my RN sends over my prescription to Walgreens. I emailed her once on Tuesday, once on Wednesday and then again on Thursday for an unrelated question. She responded today to my unrelated question, but completely ignored my two prior emails inquiring if my prescription had been sent to Walgreens. ARGH! It seems that in the fertility world you place the order one day before and shipping is next day. So since I don't actually need them until next Friday Feb 14, yup Happy Valentine's Day to me, that no one but me is anxious to get things moving forward. I'm annoyed.

Wednesday I woke up in a foul mood and went into work. Somehow I made it through the morning and then had a rather unpleasant time in CPR class to renew my training. The instructor teaches it 10-15 times a month and to amuse himself he goes off on tangents, tells corny jokes and acts out bizarre scenarios, while shouting instructions across the room. Definitely not my teaching or learning style. I told myself a few times to lighten up, but I couldn't shake it since CPR is actually quite a serious subject. Ugh. I limped out of there feeling like a bitchy zombie and thank goodness J took us out for dinner. I put on a hoodie over my pajama top and pulled on some jeans. It was super.


Thursday I woke up to a nightmare that J and I were splitting up. I don't remember why, but I'm pretty sure it was because I had a major f*ck up. Not a great way to wake up. I was doing some work from home when I got a call from my dentist office asking if I was on my way. Nope, I completely forgot I had an appointment. That never happens to me. I got it rescheduled, but now realize that it will likely fall smack in the middle of my monitoring appointments and I'll have to reschedule again. Anyhow, I got around to opening some mail that had piled up to find some good news in an envelope stuffed full with 6 explanation of benefits letters from our new insurance. I didn't do the exact math, but we saved over a thousand dollars with the insurance negotiated rates. We still owe money, because we have yet to reach our deductible, but it is such a relief to finally see it in writing that our claims are not denied, because on our last insurance, that was the about the only thing I ever saw. I'm a little antsy about paying using our new HSA debit card for the first time, but hoping that it works out and I get the hang of it quickly. I dragged myself into work and faked a happy mood to teach my class. It actually went surprisingly well despite me feeling like a train wreck.

And here we are back to now. I had an amazing soak in the tub that had me feeling warm and relaxed, but then burned myself cooking dinner and was instantly back to being on the verge of tears. Tomorrow I've got to go to Walgreens and pick up another birth control pack, because I need three additional pills to make it to Tuesday for my suppression check. I'm going to take my paper copy of my IVF meds prescription with me to see if they can process it as I got mixed messages, the rep on the phone said I could take a paper copy to my local Walgreens, but my RN and the Fertility Pharmacy Care Card website both said that the prescription must be sent to the Texas Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy by my doctor. Whatever. Bleh. Supposedly I'll be in the red tent again sometime in the next week and I'm hoping that it reboots my system. Who knows how I'll react to the stim meds. Being so sensitive is a real pain in the ass.


The life of a dog seems a lot less complicated. Such an adorable pink tongue and happy expression.

Peace out,
Marcy

10 comments:

  1. Your summary definitely sounds like a rough week. Glad that J is there to help with hot baths and pep talks! And SO glad to hear that insurance is working out...that is HUGE!
    I did the PIO injections too. My RE felt that it was a more accurate way of delivering the meds. I rotated cheeks and did a clock rotation (12-3-6-9) on each cheek. My HB did the injections and would write down the site so we didn't get confused. Some people warn the meds while in the syringe and warm the injection site before hand for comfort (I didn't). One thing that I personally experienced was that the SLOWER HB did the injection = less pain/swelling/bruise afterwards. I of course learned this the hard way. At first we tried...hurry hurry...get this over with = huge goose egg on my butt! But going slower (like over a minute to inject the meds) really helped me! I hate to say it...but "you'll probably get used to it"....so scary the things that we can get used to doing!

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  2. Aww, Marcy. That is such a tough week. I'm sorry. Don't you love how much PMS and hormones can mess us up? Even when you logically know that is what's making things worse, it doesn't make it any easier to feel. Jeeves and I have an HSA debit card, we used it through all of our treatments last year and I *loved* it. Never had a problem with it. Made life a little easier. Just remember - you're totally competent and you've got this, girl. It may be really tough and emotional and draining, but you can handle it. As for CCS/PGD testing, in my pregnancy group (which is over 20 women who did IVF), only one did CCS testing and that was because she had recurrent pregnancy loss and was older. I totally get why you would want to do it, and I think it's worth considering, but I can also see a strong argument for just seeing how the first round goes first. I'm thinking of you, and hope the meds arrive on time!

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  3. I completely get your crazy fowl attitude. I think it's running rampant around here! I'm so glad you have that sweet pup to cheer you up! Hang in there....... Hugs.

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  4. 1) your dog is so so cute! 2) You had a super shit week, I'm sorry! 3) Can you try to create one day just for you where you get to do some yoga, eat good food and relax/pamper yourself? Sounds like you need a little space to just breathe. I know that's all easier said than done. I do not envy all the injectables, sounds so overwhelming! Cliche but take it one day at a time girl, you got this! Ps. I LOVE the Red Tent! The book not actually getting my period. I actually choreographed and performed an entire show based on the Red Tent. It was pretty Awesome!

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    1. Loved the book and I bet your show was awesome.

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  5. So sorry about your week...at least it's over and you can look forward to a better one. I am about 2 weeks behind you for my first IVF too, so your experiences are interesting to read about...I am terrified of the PIO shots! Good luck with the meds. It seems nothing ever comes easy in this world, does it?

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  6. I've heard about those progesterone shots... hang in there, honey. XO, A

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  7. Sorry about all the sucky things. My hubby and I are in the no CCS camp because of our beliefs, but it does increase your chances of getting pregnant. But to us, it's already so hard to make one embryo... I don't know what good it does to test it. But for you it may be totally different. And the PIO. My RE prefers the progesterone suppository, which is super gross and leaky, and you have to do it 3 times a day. Some friends of mine have done both PIO and suppositories. Some prefer PIO coz it's not gross. Some hate PIO because of shooting yourself in your behind. I've never done it so I don't really know how bad it is. I am very sure you're going to do one fine job in everything. Hope that you bad mood is lifted soon. Excited for you for this process to begin!

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  8. I keep trying to leave you notes and my phone refreshes and I lose them. So if this sound disjointed it's because I've written it three times, and this time am smart enough to type in the notes app and paste in ;)

    1) thank you for chile pics! You know how much I love those :)
    2) I hope you're forgiving yourself your moodiness. I'm sure anyone who knows you understands, and anyone who doesn't would understand if they did know, so you deserve to forgive yourself, too <3
    3) I obviously don't have any advice for your protocol, but I know you're smart and informed, so I know that whatever you choose will be a good choice.
    4) J sounds like he's being a star lately. I'm so glad he's supporting you the way you need. A good partner makes all the difference.

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  9. Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments and support. J and I had a super chill weekend and I avoided all stress. It was so nice to hide out and recuperate (and not feel like a bitchy zombie). Tomorrow is the suppression check. I'll probably post soon afterwards.

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